I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
