I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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