yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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