It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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