I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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