I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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