Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
