Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
