Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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