They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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