we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
