So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
