it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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