I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
