Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program