So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
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We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
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I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.