Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.