my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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