I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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