You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
false alarm. still invincible.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
