I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
