beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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