In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
worst night to have a conscience
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
