Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
