I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
