I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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