Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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