John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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