Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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