My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
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