you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
