i jhust puked up my retainher.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
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No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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