I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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