Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
no you cant smoke seaweed
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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