today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
