I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
