if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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