she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
