I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
