Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
