If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
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You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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