Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
