i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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