She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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