checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
