Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
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Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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