I hate your face
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
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I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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