so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
