You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
