What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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