I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
