i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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