Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
