So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
