dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
